Needed

I kneel at his feet, feeling the rough carpet under my legs. My heart is thumping, my breathing shallow, my mouth dry. I find it hard to find the words. I know what I want, I know why I'm here but the descriptions and the courage elude me.

I want to be spanked. I want to be flogged. Not because I've done something wrong. Not because I need to cry away the stress. Because I need to feel close to you in a way I can't otherwise. Because I need to feel loved. Because the ache inside will not go away.

How can I tell you. How can I find the words.

Hair Pulling

These days I love it when Obsidian pulls my hair.
I have very long, straight and when it's pulled back into a pony tail and Obsidian grabs hold of it and pulls my head back with it my legs seem to turn to jelly.
I love it when we're having sex, I love it when it's just a friendly tug as he walks by my chair.
It seems to trigger some kind of submissive, sexual, relaxed feeling which just courses straight through my body, right from my scalp to my toes.
Having said that I just like my hair being played with. I love when his hand brushes down it and I feel a relaxing intimate sensation over the back of my head and all the way down my back. I find my self putty in the hands of whoever brushes my hair gently and lovingly, making my hair softer and sleeker.
Long hair might be a real pain to look after but it really can be worth it!

Masochism Rising!

Recently we've been finding I can take more and more during correction or maintenance.

Things that would have sent me running squealing like a little girl are now absolutely fine.

The hair brush used to be a feared instrument of torture and now, while I might not go as far as to say I enjoy it but, it's just not that bad!

I find I need more to keep me level and happy. More often. More Severe. Just More!!!

I find the space where the world turns warm and comfortable, like a dark room with a crackling open fire, is closer than it used to be. It's not long before I reach.... well not quite subspace, that's different for me some how... but a place of almost total relaxation.

It's amazing how much more human I feel, how much me "me" I am, with this.

Age Play

Recently I've become intrigued by age play.

The thought of being able to go back to the age of 6 really appeals to me. I have to admit I know very very little about age play in it self. My thoughts of it revolve around cuddles, feelings of safety, jelly and ice cream and lollipops.

I have no idea, as I write this, how accurate my thoughts are. Although I do know there are many types of age play. I know that adult baby play doesn't interest me. I've heard a few podcasts around the subject but that's all.

The Rules

1. 
   
   All Chocolate, Fizzy Drinks, Fast Food and other Unhealthy foods must be discussed with Obsidian prior to consumption.
   
   
   
   
   
2. 
   
   Electrical equipment must be switched off immediately after use, including at switches.
   
   
   
   
   
3. 
   
   Clothes must not be left on the bedroom floor during the day.
   
   
   
   
   
4. 
   
   Clothes, especially socks must not be left in the living rooms.
   
   
   
   
   
5. 
   
   Vitamin tablets must be taken everyday with out fail and checked off on the calender.
   
   
   
   
   
6. 
   
   If Scarlet begins to feel that she needs a release and therefore is tempted to break the rules she must discuss this with Obsidian before it becomes a problem so maintenance can be carried out.
   
   
   
   
   
7. 
   
   Nails must be neat and (if time permits) painted at all times. If nail polish becomes scratched or chipped it must be touched up, removed or replaced as soon as possible.
   
   
   
   
   
8. 
   
   All cupboard doors and draws must be closed and everything put away as soon as Scarlet has finished with them.
   
   
   
   
   
9. 
   
   Scarlet must be clean, underwear matching and ready for inspection at all times.
   
   
   
   
   
10. 
    
    These rules may be amended and added to at any time.
    
    
    
    
    
11. ...
    

Any violation of these rules will result in corporal punishment, using the cord. Continued violation will result in a more strict punishment increasing with continued violation.

Additions to Rationing.

Well today I came home with a bottle of coke in my car (mostly drunk), and so Obsidian feels we should add fizzy drinks and all other bad foods (including burgers and other fast food and anything unhealthy) to the list.

Any un-discussed consumption of unhealthy foods will result in corporal punishment, with the cord.


This makes me feel better in some way. Some how stronger. Like I'm less likely to fail. And if I slip I haven't failed at....something bigger......life, I suppose.

In the last few days the cord has been out on a number of occasions all for small but very valid reasons.

To help me to keep the cord away Obsidian suggested I should start to write a list of the rules...... So my next post will be the beginning of the list and I can keep referring back to it and adding to it as new rules come up.

Chocolate rationing

Today Obsidian and I have come to an agreement.

Due to my difficultly losing weight and controlling myself (especially where chocolate is concerned), chocolate will now be rationed on a discussion basis.

If I want chocolate I will go to Obsidian with a proposal, even to ask if I can have chocolate. We will then discuss my reasoning as to why I want it and if I should have it. Obsidian will decide how much I should have and I must follow that.

If I break our agreement the cord comes out.

Not sure how we'll work this for when I'm away from Obsidian and with friends but... we'll see how it goes!

Change in whole being.

I feel so much better! I've been feeling awful for weeks. I've been forgetting things and I've even been beginning to think of leaving Obsidian - I have been well and truly screwed up! It's not till it's taken away that it becomes obvious how bad it's gotten.

And why am I feeling so much better!?!?!

I suppose you could call it a really good massage.

We were having a really stressful day, and I was feeling like if I could opt out of life I would. I was working away on a new project and Obsidian decided to come and be friendly. Tickling. Well that's just great for obsidian - but as I said, it just makes me worked up and tense!

At that Obsidian grabbed me by the hand and pulled me over his knee :). OTK spanking made me feel a little more relaxed, I was feeling a lot less hopeless.

Later as we finished up what we were doing obsidian came out of the other room with a power cord. I had no idea what he was planning when he said he was just wanting to test something.

What does it feel like being flogged with a doubled up power cord....? It's both thumpy and stingy at the same time. The curled over end stings like the end of whip - at one point I was worried about the welts it would leave. The length of cord is much nicer, if that's the right word. It's thumpy, it's thudy and it's nice.

Having had such a long time of repressing my masochistic side I found it hard to release, to let the waves of please and pain take over and overwhelm me. Something in side of me kept fighting. I had to keep asking for a break. I panicked, worried if someone might hear, rolled over on my back or my side from all fours when I felt I could take anymore.

Obsidian was wonderful, he kept picking me up, repositioning me and carrying on. Occasionally changing to spanking or thumping. But I just couldn't break, I couldn't let go. Only when I told him I really needed to stop (or was it have a break?) that he told me that he wouldn't until I broke. That was the point at which I realised how much I was holding back. I released as much as I could of the wall I had up and the sobbing started.

The relief I had felt before was nothing in comparison, as he slapped, kicked and spanked me the frustrations, the hurt, the pain, the sadness all flowed out in racking sobs. Leaving it it place, warmth, love, relief and a wonderful glowing ache in side. As I lay there sobbing, releasing the pent up emotion in his arms, head resting against his knee, I felt closer to him that I had in months. I had come back. I felt whole again. Scarlet is back!

When I think back to the fire like glow I had radiating for buttocks and legs earlier I feel a warmth and tenderness inside that I have had for I don't know how long.

Serious Motivation

Note for Scarlet:


Obsidian showed me these today. The first two I believe because these he would exceptionally like, the other two - because he knows my sense of humour.

As we were driving earlier he asked me what I would wear them with (being a jeans kind of girl) and I said after thinking (not very long in fact) "well... a mini skirt" I laughed and followed up with "if I had the guts". Obsidian's reaction to this was so extreme I could feel his arousal from the next seat. He was seriously seriously turned on.

Now I know at this weight I would not 'have the guts' to wear a mini skirt.... but if I do lose weight I will...... so I have to step up a gear in the weight loss.

He's suggested he would go halves on a whole wardrobe if I manage to get to a weight where I would be comfortable with wearing the likes of mini skirt and other things he would particularly like - so weight loss, sexy clothes, and rampant sex - here I come!

Getting Desperate

I am desperate for a spanking/beating. My body tingles with anticipation. I can feel a tremble all the way down my back, over my buttocks and along my thighs.

Every friendly slap brings an ache to my groin. Makes my heart race. And leaves me yearning for more.

I can't tell you, Obsidian, I can't vocalise my need to you and I don't know why.

Collars

I...err...want a collar.

I'm not realy sure where the thought came from. I know I used to enjoy wearing the collars we used to have in our toy box but that's not where this came from. I don't mean I want a collar to play with. I want a collar that could be with me 24 hours a day 7 days a week. 

That's not to mean I want a 24/7 lifestyle power excange... I don't.

I would just love to have a reminder of my love and devotion to Obsidian with me at all times, and of his love and comitment to me. 

I know it sounds stupid - we spend all of our waking and sleeping time together. We're inseparable. But yes... I really want a collar.

The thought of being able to feel something allday everyday that reminds my of my connection, and of what might happen if I do anything wrong excites me.

Oh and Obsidian.... if you ever have a mad moment.... this is the kind of thing I have pictured in my mind!

Another Stroppy Shopping Trip

Well. It turns out the correction is working.


Yesterday we took another trip into town. We'd been in there for some time when I was getting hungry and tired and I was having communication problems. Instead of saying "I'm hungry my blood sugars are dropping and I can feel it" - I conversationally said "What are we doing for lunch".
I think as it was Valentines day and we were out in town Obsidian thought that this was a push towards going out for a meal or something. What ever he thought he answered with a general "Well we'll be home soon. We'll have something then."
Me being tired, cranky and low on reserves got frustrated - believing stupidly that this was Obsidian ignoring me, and ignoring what I was trying to say. I got totally worked up and started raising my voice and getting the nasty squeaky tone that stress bring to my voice.
At which point Obsidian pulled me to one side he tried talking rationally to me - but I was just getting more and more stressed. Finally he leaned in close to my ear and whispered "Are you wanting the same consequences as yesterday?"


At once I felt my self relax, become grounded, switching off the race within my head. I know it shouldn't, as what he was proposing is supposed to be a punishment, but I could feel a surge of heat and throbbing within my pussy. A temptation to push him, to create a situation where he would have no choice but to spank me. A greater part of me just wanted to make him happy, so I let the relaxation take me away.


Only a fortnight ago I would have been sure that we would never be here. That we would not have any of this dynamic in our lives again. A part of me is afraid it will be taken away again. Another part of me is very afraid it will take me over.

Neglect and Correction

Today I didn't look after myself and I let myself down.

We were busy with many jobs to do dashing in and out of the home and office fetching and carrying and in the rush... I forgot to eat. You wouldn't think that was a bad thing if you saw me - at a BMI of 35 I'm not the most petite - but the problem is if I don't eat I suffer. And that means everyone around me suffers. If I let my blood sugar drop I become, tired, touchy, easily upset, over reactive - I become a nightmare.

Today my blood sugar hit critical levels while we were shopping and carrying out chores around town. A miss communication turned into a big deal and I ended up crying in the middle of a shopping center at a busy lunch time. My other half not knowing why.

It was gone 2:30 before I managed to eat. And, yes, I felt much better. But by this time I was worn out and both physically and emotionally drained. I spent the rest of the afternoon hardly about to keep my eyes open and certainly not able to concentrate. "The Boss" was not impressed!

I was still burnt out and in an emotional state when we closed up for the day. 

I was very nervous when being told what I had done wrong and how that had effected, not just me, but my partner and our working environment. And the nerves stayed when I was gently bent till kneeling on the floor at my lover's feet.  Here though I felt at peace, I was where I belong. I could have knelt there moments or hours with my forehead resting on her knee. Feeling safe, warm and comforted. Feeling his hand caress my hair. All too soon though it was time to talk.

I was asked if I knew what went wrong today. I can't remember my answer but I know we some how came to the conclusion that everything had stemmed from the one act of a simple missed meal and escalated when I wouldn't stop and eat or even speak up to explain I hadn't eaten and needed to.

Obviously I should have spoken up, I should have done something about it - and that is why I'm sitting here with a sore behind typing.

One thing about me... I can't take a hair brush to the behind. Today I did... and did...and did. I have no idea how I managed it all - I knew it was getting harder and harder as he swapped me over from leaning in one direction to another over his knee. I even remember asking him to stop when the thuds became stinging beginning to spread down the backs of my thighs, but you know... I have now never felt so relaxed and at peace.

The correction, I believe, has worked. I think I'll be a lot more mindful of sugar levels and general taking care of myself in future. Another thing it has done is it has effectively drawn a line under the bad day. Normally I would be stressing, feeling guilty, and using an incident like this as a way to make me feel bad about myself - the correction has given me an effect to my cause and now I can move on and try to be better next time.

Again I am blown away by my partner's understanding and his sixth sense. I am feeling so blessed and I feel so much more whole. It's truly incredible. 

I'm surprised as how easily I can just slip into submission right now. As soon as my forehead touched his knee tonight a sense of calm and ease came over me. I was happy to give my self  completely over to him. I am truly blessed.

Well Hidden Submissive

Recently I have been being punished for anything I do wrong. 

It had been so long that I had pushed down my submissive side. Well, well down. I thought I could cope with out "it", I wondered if it would ever be brought out again.

Two proper spanking sessions within a week of each other has been all it has taken to bring it all flooding back. 

The first time was just a week ago. I have even forgotten what I must have done to deserve it - or even if there was any thing specific. 

I can remember being forced down on the desk - worrying about paper work and important files and documents. 

My thoughts and emotions yoyo'd throughout the whole session worrying about various things, memories, things to do, what if someone could hear, what was the time, why is this happening, is he alright, is this the ring thing to be doing, is this the right time to be doing it. 

I kept snapping out of the right frame of mind and with that the sting was unbearable. 

After many times of being pushed, sometimes gently and sometimes less so, back down I began bargaining, explaining I couldn't take any more, that I didn't know why he was doing it. We hugged, he soothed me, looked after me till I was relaxed. 

Then he asked me to bend back over the desk. I couldn't understand why - surely I had taken enough. So I asked. 

"You haven't had enough yet" was the reply. For some reason that relaxed me and I could finally submit - I knew he knew what he was doing, that it was what was best for me, that I was safe and it was the right thing to do. I don't know what it was, whether it was the tone of voice of the look in his eye but I knew that everything was going to be OK.

After that I could just take it again.I was happy to relax, to take what I was given and what I deserved, I let myself relax into each strike. Flooding my body with warmth, love, discipline, care, pain, ache, relaxation. I could truly let go. 

That night was the best night I had had in years. I could lay by my lovers feet warm and content in my submission. Floating on a cloud of love.

I slept well that night.

That was the night I realised that my true nature had been hidden, not eradicated as I thought.

Turns out my partner had know that I had needed that for weeks. Had seen the signs, the irritability, being tense, and... I don;t know what else. He'd been reading up on it. Planning it for weeks. 

Totally to my surprise.

To night I had forgotten to water the plants, even though I had been reminded, and so I needed to be taught a lesson. Immediately I fell straight in to some form of subspace. I could feel the strikes but the pain was immediately turned into stress relief and total bliss. The world shrunk from around me until it included only the two of us and the moment we were in. I can remember being worried at one point when the strikes were too painful for me not to cry out that I would be heard but that soon evaporated. I know this doesn't seem like a punishment but I can tell you the last 20 or so were... I know I felt that *ouch* they stung. 

Again I am left feeling relaxed, at peace and happy in my own skin.

Thank you my love for listening to who I really am. Thank you for getting your head around it and back to where we are. Thank you for knowing me better than I know myself. And thank you for making my life so wonderful and full of love. 

I love you with all my heart!